#Titanuary ‘How To Sell A Haunted House’ by Grady Hendrix

About the book…

Your past and your family can haunt you like nothing else… A hilarious and terrifying new novel from the New York Times bestselling author of The Final Girl Support Group.

Every childhood home is haunted, and each of us are possessed by our parents.

When their parents die at the tail end of the coronavirus pandemic, Louise and Mark Joyner are devastated but nothing can prepare them for how bad things are about to get. The two siblings are almost totally estranged, and couldn’t be more different. Now, however, they don’t have a choice but to get along. The virus has passed, and both of them are facing bank accounts ravaged by the economic meltdown. Their one asset? Their childhood home. They need to get it on the market as soon as possible because they need the money. Yet before her parents died they taped newspaper over the mirrors and nailed shut the attic door.

Sometimes we feel like puppets, controlled by our upbringing and our genes. Sometimes we feel like our parents treat us like toys, or playthings, or even dolls. The past can ground us, teach us, and keep us safe. It can also trap us, and bind us, and suffocate the life out of us. As disturbing events stack up in the house, Louise and Mark have to learn that sometimes the only way to break away from the past, sometimes the only way to sell a haunted house, is to burn it all down

My thanks to the wonderful team at Titan Books for approving my Netgalley review request for ‘How To Sell A Haunted House’ which is due to be published on January 14th.

I am a child of the late 70’s and early 80’s which carries with it a legacy of truly disturbing and unforgettable puppetry and masked characters ranging from the late Keith Harris and Orville , a staple of the variety show circuit-

to the bizarre Frank Sidebottom-

and the nightmare inducing Mr Noseybonk-

So from comforting singing emus (Rod Hull) and ducks and racing ostriches (Bernie Clifton) , teddy bears (Nookie Bear) and naughty dogs (Bob Carolgees and Spit the dog) to the ridiculous and ‘how the hell did that ever get commisioned?! we were shown that puppets were firstly only understood by their maker/human companion and translated for us children, and that they also had an ability to act out in ways that were not allowed to us children. For example, spitting, biting, attacking others in the name of comedy laughs. Reassuring ones like Sooty and Bill and Ben made way for a more anarchic selection which reflected the society in which we lived-austere, ever under the threat of nuclear warfare and governed by rules. The flip side of this of course is what is designed for children to ‘enjoy’ is often downright terrifying.

So when I saw that Grady’s new book featured two children growing up in a house full of puppets, not only is that potentially scarring by association, the notion of this being surrounded by inanimate objects that might occupy a larger part of your mother’s heart than you do, as well as maybe moving, or inducing you to cause harm to your sibling is is genuinely scary. And that is before meeting the number one puppet, Pupkin, who will live rent free in your imagination for the rest of your life.

A synchronous and beautifully rendeted portrait at the way death can expose all the plot holes in your life, challenge what you perceive to have remembered from your childhood as well as making you face up to the reality of your actions, this novel is peppered with unforgettable set pieces, underpinned by the nuances of difficult family relationships.

The death of a parent is a difficult concept to begin with, but when both Mark and Louise’s parents die in a car crash, the details of which are vague and suspicious, they are forced back into each other’s orbits to deal with their parent’s belongings. This includes a house which is a monument to the mother’s puppet ministry, which includes stuffed squirrel nativities, cross stitch samplers and many other works of painting and craft that adorn every wall space as well as occupying a truly terrifying puppet making workshop. Floor to ceiling dolls and puppets is terrifying enough. But in a time of economic downturn, when neither really wants to follow in the actor/puppeteer mother’s footsteps or economist father’s, then everything must go.

Except…the unusual provisos in the will create uproar and demand the two work together. Mark cannot sell the house until Louise has sorted out her inherited mother’s art collection. Which includes two puppets of themselves that randomly relocate themselves around the house. Taxidermy squirrels doing things squirrels should ever be doing, And the new kid on the slasher block, Pupkin, the most terrifying clown ever . No exceptions and definitely not taking that back.  Pennywise and that evil clown doll from Poltergeist have a new challenger in the bad clown sweepstakes.

Because of you accept that when you wear the puppet (or the mask) then it also wears you, then you begin to accept the truly horrifying notion of a symbiotic relationship which can be utilised for evil, In the absence of a meaningful relationship with either child, their mother has poured all her emotional life into this puppet, and he will not accept anything other than complete devotion.

Pupkin has been responsible for some truly awful childhood experiences which for one of the siblings defined theor relationship and for the other traumatised them to block it out entirely. But in  order to not only sell the house, which their cousin, a realtor, has warned them will be problematic as it is entirely haunted, they first need to sell themselves on the reality that the house is haunted.

And as Mark’s solution to most of his problems is to burn them down, the level headedness of Louise might be in sore need to intervene before any one else dies.

What I loved about the book is the reality in which Louise and Mark are displayed, they fight like actual siblings do, even as grownups. Grady has so wonderfully captured their complex and stilted personal development that has left this underlying resentment of each other for most of their adult lives. The arguments over their parent’s remains, Mark’s plan to replicate Jim Henson’s funeral for their parent’s by filling it with puppeteers, the house removal team who just want to do the job they are paid for and witness the cat and dog fighting of brother and sister with a world weariness that made me laugh harder than is safe for a woman in her 40’s maybe should, all of this accentuated the horror of how puppets and masks were used as a tool to abdicate responsibility whilst parsing this form of activism.

As a worthy method of ‘educating’ children, Mark’s troop’s final school performance is a car crash in what not to do in introducing the concept of terrorist related conspiracy theories  to pre-teen school kids. It’s a superb scene which then intensifies the dark descent of Mark into a puppet cult where Pupkin really comes into his own. Are they conduits to allow us to speak freely or a convenient scapegoat if what is said is not well received? As in , ‘it wasn’t me it was….. (insert appropriate puppet name here)’

Dolls and puppets have never been more relatable or scary and if this novel doesn’t keep you up late at night wondering if you did the right thing getting rid of your youngest’s haunted nun doll, Sister Mary (a very long story) or make you think back to childhood triggers (such as the house of an aunt who collected both pigs and clowns that were stuffed in every corner so it was impossible to see which ones were moving ) or you ever sat through a community theatre workshop in school, with a numb bottom in hardwood floors being told to laugh at things which were actually deeply scary but you don’t have the words for, then this is a book for you. But it is very scary so be prepared to stay up all night reading it, then up all night turning any dolls or puppets to face the walls. Because that will 100% happen.

About the author…

Grady Hendrix is the author of the novels Horrorstör, about a haunted IKEA, and My Best Friend’s Exorcism, which is like Beaches meets The Exorcist, only it’s set in the Eighties.

He’s also the jerk behind the Stoker award-winning Paperbacks from Hell, a history of the 70’s and 80’s horror paperback boom, which contains more information about Nazi leprechauns, killer babies, and evil cats than you probably need.

And he’s the screenwriter behind Mohawk, which is probably the only horror movie about the War of 1812 and the upcoming Satanic Panic.

You can listen to free, amazing, and did I mention free podcasts of his fiction on Pseudopod.

If you’re not already sick of him, you can learn all his secrets at his website.

Links-http://www.gradyhendrix.com/

Twitter @grady_hendrix @TitanBooks